Reigning in defensiveness.
We all get defensive from time to time. No one likes to be criticized, so our natural reaction is to fight it. We may adamantly disagree, convince the other person that they have misjudged the situation or just avoid the person all together.
The main reason we get defensive is that we feel attacked. We feel like what’s being said either directly or indirectly criticizes and sheds a negative light on us. What is especially painful is when someone calls attention to an existing insecurity or perceived inadequacy of ours.
Here’s the thing, when we become defensive, we stop listening. We shut down the very feedback we need to learn, grow and establish healthy relationships with others. People begin to avoid us or in extreme situations may even unfriend us.
To reign in defensiveness, it is key to become aware of recurring defensive behaviors:
Making excuses
Overexplaining
Perfectionism or overconfidence
Placing blame elsewhere
Sarcasm or mockery
Counter-attacking or reverse-blaming
Denying responsibility
“Yes-butting”
Withdrawing or shutting down
Reacting with anger or irritation
It is also important to recognize our own “trigger” topics (i.e. insecurities, inadequacies, past mistakes, etc.) as well as physical signs of getting tense (sweaty palms, jaw clenching, shoulders tightening, heart racing, strong urge to interrupt, justify or walk away, etc. ).
When we catch ourselves becoming defensive, we should pause, slow down, take a deep breath and see if we can respond calmly. If we can’t, it’s okay to take a break, go for a walk and clear our heads before revisiting the topic with the person or group of people.
To reduce our defensive reactions, we can practice the following:
Accepting feedback and acknowledging parts of truth in criticism, rather than rejecting it outright
Actively listening to understand the other person’s perspective rather than planning our counter-argument
Viewing feedback as an opportunity to grow rather than a threat
Remembering that criticism often reflects the other person’s needs/observations, not our worth
Developing greater open-mindedness by intentionally seeking to prove ourself wrong or surrounding ourself with people who think differently than us
Acknowledging our limitations
It is always okay to state our feelings in a conversation. “That came out wrong. I’m feeling a bit defensive. Can I try responding to that again?” “That hit hard. I need a break to gather my thoughts before responding.” We are all human and can relate to one another in this way.
Perceptions aren’t always accurate, and arguments often stem from frustration. If we can control our initial reaction to and emotions about the criticism, we will find both the truth of the matter and a solution. We may even find out that it’s not really about us, and therefore there is nothing to be defensive about in the first place.