Enabling bad behavior.
When we care about someone – a child, a partner, a coworker, a friend – we sometimes bend the rules for them…make excuses for their actions, don’t acknowledge their mistakes or smooth things over on their behalf.
Why is this? Well, in some cases, we hope our support will help the other person get over the hump or see the error of their ways. In other cases, we may be attempting to avoid conflict, discomfort or judgement. In either case, we are an enabler.
When we justify or support another person’s problematic behavior, albeit with good intentions, we allow them to avoid facing the direct consequences of their own actions, impeding their personal growth and accountability. Often times, this perpetuates negative behavior. If someone can get away with something with no significant consequences and/or self-reflection, what’s preventing them from doing it again and again? Nothing.
Here are some common themes of enabling behavior:
Intervening on someone’s behalf in an attempt to keep peace, save face or smooth things over – often to avoid conflict or discomfort, or to not be seen in a bad light as a parent, supervisor, friend or whomever.
Making excuses for or minimizing someone’s problematic behavior – often an underlying desire to protect someone or a need to maintain a working or personal relationship.
Doing someone’s work or activities for them – often stems from being overcontrolling, not allowing the other person to do things they are fully capable of (For instance, a study found that overcontrolling parenting can have negative effects on a child’s ability to manage his or her emotions and behavior). Or, it stems from the need to protect someone or maintain a working or personal relationship.
Neglecting our own needs – it’s exhausting keeping someone else employed or out of trouble. Our time, energy and resources become strained.
Unfortunately, despite good intentions, no good comes from enabling someone’s undesirable behavior. In fact, it just makes things worse over time. Everyone needs to be held accountable for their actions, learn from their mistakes, and be given the opportunity to break the cycle of negative behavior through self-reflection, self-regulation and personal experience. This only comes when the enabler behavior is replaced by setting and standing by healthy boundaries, avoiding making excuses, encouraging responsibility and supporting positive change. The good news is recognizing and changing enabler behavior can have an immediate, significant positive effect on the person or people we’ve been enabling as well as our own self-care. Change is not only possible, it is probable when we are truly committed to doing what’s right for those we care about.