Deciphering self-comparisons.
Whether we admit it or not, we all compare ourselves to others from time to time- old classmates, colleagues, family, friends…even acquaintances. We may admire someone’s career, character, appearance, home or whatever it may be. Social media is a breeding ground for self-comparison. But, did you know that there are healthy comparisons and unhealthy comparisons?
Heathy comparisons leave you feeling inspired by the other person.
“If Seth can do that, I can do it too!”
“Wow, I have to ask Kim her secret for such amazing skin!”
“John presents in a way that totally captivates the audience; I’d love to get some speaking tips from him.”
“Sarah always has it together- nothing seems to throw her. I want to get myself better organized like her.”
Unhealthy comparisons leave you feeling defeated or overwhelmed.
“Seth is so talented and light years ahead of me, I’ll never be able to do that.”
“I wish I had Kim’s skin; she’s never had to deal with psoriasis.”
“I wish I could be a great speaker like John, but the only thing I’d be good at is writing his speeches.”
“I’m so jealous of Sarah. She really has it all, and I’ll never be like that.”
If the comparison inspires you (notice I didn’t say makes you uber-competitive), then it is healthy and a way to motivate you to make the changes necessary to achieve the things you admire about the person. This is especially true if you feel genuinely happy for the person you admire. If you are the one being admired, realize that imitation is the greatest form of flattery, and do your best to help the person inquiring about how you do something or got to where you are today.
If comparison depresses or overwhelms you, it is most likely unhealthy, and you should avoid the comparison trap. Ruminating over something you will never have or a type of person you will never be is a complete waste of time and energy. It’s also not fair to be subjected to such comparison by another person. “I wish you were more like your brother. He always knows what to do and how to help.” Although it can be hard, bring this tendency to the person’s attention. Tell them such comparisons are hurtful to you, and ask that they not be made in the future.
The truth is the only person you really should be comparing yourself to is the younger you (myself included). We should be striving to learn, grow and gain wisdom and understanding; to be more compassionate and empathetic, to make better decisions; and to ultimately become the best version of ourselves. We should lean into our own talents and gifts and strive to improve our deficiencies. Even small improvements…5, 10, 15, 20%...can make a world of difference. Over time (not instantaneously), we will get better at the things we aren’t great at today. We can achieve what we set out to do with a determined mindset. It just takes time, discipline and a genuine desire to improve for the betterment of ourselves and those we love.